What do I want?

Walking away from another (possibly) false relationship intrigued me to think hard on what love (of course on this case: in a relationship) is.

Is it a simple desire to give affections towards another human without expecting anything in return? More importantly I started questioning myself the fundamental aspect. What do I actually want? Did I manage to create my own happiness despite having a partner next to me? Did I try to muster up the courage to love myself enough; to first accept everything about me, rather than being ungrateful on what I already have?

I started to realize I’m not yet feeling content about my life. So many things to pursue without a proper reason from within to help me put a smile on a daily basis.

Is it true, if we love and understand ourselves enough, we will manage to build a strong relationship with another (contented) person? What makes people seemed to find their true love and successfully undergo their relationship to a further step called marriage?

Perhaps the moment we fully understand ourselves, is the time when we could start to build a healthy relationship. It’s more like sharing the happiness each other already built, rather than having expectations and made it turned into a forceful give-and-take ties. Maybe that’s where the starting point we all should be taking.

And mistakes are indeed inevitable. Forgiveness might be the cure for relationship’s disasters but it shall be followed by the understandings on how we should treat our partner better. Knowing something is wrong but just letting it be, then once it opened up; trying to make up lies to cover it.. is just.. so toxic to begin with. Such thing is avoidable if both the subjects cared enough to keep the relationship healthy. Since building relationship requires trust and commitment, breaking those two would definitely cost too high to bring back the connection.

So here lies 2 main problems I can conclude about my current situation:

  1. How would I manage to properly love my partner if I haven’t yet sure about my own happiness?
  2. What’s the point of putting up with someone who doesn’t highly value trust and commitment in a relationship? Did I secretly enjoy the frequent sufferings served by my partner? I wonder if it’s too much of an expectation to ask for; about valuing trust and commitment.

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